Why I have to maintain a positive/happy attitude even when I’m not

Why I have to be positive today even when I don’t want to be….well my entire life including my childhood I have suffered from depression.  Numerous times I tried to overdose on sleeping pills/tylenol this was as a child.  The last time I tried taking my life was when my first born was a baby, I took something over the counter and regretted it and drove myself to the hospital because I knew my son needed me. After that never again did I try it again or did it even cross my mind.  My last episode of deep depression was back  beginning in 2011 it was the worst it ever got and my husband wasnt supportive and I was ok with him not being but he was also an ass about it too.  Even though I was depressed I did go about my every day as nornal or tried at least.  Eventually I pulled myself together left my husband and was in a good place.  Then my husband would not let me go he continued to try to get me back and well he sweet talked me back…I picked up all my 5 kids again and moved back with my husband to find out within a few weeks he never stopped talking to his whores he was talking to the whole time I went thru my depression and forgave.  Thats the moment I lost it, I lost myself, I lost my temper, I lost my mind literally.  I went thru a manic episode of everything during that time depression, anxiety and hate I hated my husband during that time with passion…I hated him with my whole heart and my whole life I hated him. But remember I had already picked up yet again my 5 kids and had already marched back home with them so he left for sometime and the hate back and forth between me and him was crazy so crazy my kids had to see it too.  There were times I wanted to give up on everything thats the only time I was suicidal again. That was in 2014 then we got back together with all those things we struggled together we picked up and moved to South Dakota in 2016 and I was further from my family and my husband has always put me last on his list of priorities so being alone in a new state it was worse, 2017 passed I was still in a bad place 2018 came and I decided I needed to take care of myself so I could be there for my children so I worked on getting back to my mental and physical state before all of those bad things happened. 2019 came and still no change with my husband so summer 2019 I said eff it Im only giving 5 fucks from now on and thats for my kids and their off spirng.  I stopped caring then if my husband put me 1,2 or even last, I didnt care anymore either way. At that moment is when I should have divorced but I didn’t. TO BE CONTINUED

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